Day 365: Turn 30.

Happy Birthday to me!  And happy Thanksgiving to all.

Last night I had a nice long talk with the Husbandit about a revelation I had.  I know that I have only one real regret about my twenties; I wish I had had more fun.  This particular regret has dogged me for the past couple of years and I’ve felt ashamed of it, I worried that there was something wrong with me.  Then, as I was driving home last night I realized two things:  1)  Absolutely everyone has regrets  2) It isn’t my fault.  I realized that my fear and depression and anxiety that kept me from enjoying my life is simply part of my wiring and circumstance that I had to work through.  I spent my twenties working through it, and  now I feel more happy, calm, and mindful–which means I experience more joy.  For me, part of growing up meant learning how to cultivate joy, and there is no shame in growing. It’s what we do.

I also realized that everyone else has something they wish they had done differently–that’s also part of growing up and I’m grateful that my particular regret didn’t involve hurting myself or others too badly.

The Husbandit listened to all this, agreed with me and added, “I think you should think of this as a fresh beginning also.  A decade is behind you and you learned a lot.  A new decade is in front of you.  You get to live that decade how ever you want.”  Like the folklorist he is, the Husbandit added, “You spent your twenties devoted to Athena–now you can focus a bit more on Pan.”  I liked that, it felt lik my like was a tarot spread and now I’m turning over a new card and figuring out what it means to me.

Today, in celebration of starting new era I have spent my time, riding my bike, watching British comedies, writing, making cookies and cranberry sauce, and smooching on my love.  This evening I will have the chocolate-iest chocolate cake east of the Mississippi, drink Prosecco, eat an incredible meal with friends and take a taxi home to collapse in bed.  It’s going to be a good life.

I would write more, but I need to go have fun.

 

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